There was a time, not so very long ago, when I hated you. I felt like you were ruining my life, that you were making me mad, that you were the cause of my problems.
Now I could never imagine life without you.
I wonder if the two of us were together we- sorry, I mean just me, if I would be sane? I’m not sure now. I think I might be a little mad in my own right. I taste colours and feel sounds, I see letters like music notes, swirling forever in my head that’s made like a twisted up broken rainbow slinky. And I love you.
It’s like having a twin, only, not really, cause though we switch over sometimes and they get to see you, you are in all probability really just for me, we live in a little boy with copper hair who doesn’t really look like either of us, does he? You look like fire and freedom and I look like a fountain of fizzing silvery glitter and together we look like Vesuvius erupting under the stars.
I wonder which one of us was here first. The memories I have now from some grainy childhood don’t feel like my own, I feel almost as if they were lifted from a film. Have I just always been? Was the child hood a lie? Has everything up to this moment just been false memory? Perhaps. I wouldn’t be shocked either way.
Can you feel the wind on your face? The feeling of sharp tiny stones under bare feet that amounted to what passed for sand on that beach we were taken to? The grit would get under our nails- making fingers taste like salt and storms. Do you remember he taught us how to build a castle with the sand and then, hands secure, one each being held by the tall ones who looked after us, we watched as the waves came and gobbled those castles up, the ocean taking back what was rightfully hers.
I knew fear that day, it gripped me in my chest, squeezed down on my tiny heart as I watched her destroy what I had spent so long creating, and then I knew that nothing I ever did would necessarily last forever, that the world was bound to change and shape things beyond my control, that I had to accept and just let what would happen… happen.
Que sera sera.
And what’s happened is I have lost my mind. If I ever really had one to begin with. Or perhaps I have found it. Who is to say what madness is? Ok, so I see my split personality stand strong beside me, and Ok, I feel him hold my hand as we face down everything together. So I feel his kiss and his love come’s tumbling out of him like a raspberry waterfall. Who is to say he isn’t in charge of the body at this time, that I’m not the mere shadow cast out by a mind so addled that even the people who live there doubt it’s credibility.
I love you. We just need each other. And between us we’ll look after J and make sure he doesn’t fall too high off of the buildings he destroys, make sure he doesn’t catch alight himself as he burns this city to the ground.
I don’t mind being mad I don’t think. Not if it means I get to have you. It’s worth it probably.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s time for us to have some fun, Theo, we’ve been too quiet for too long. Lets put our face on and go out on the town.It’s time to stir things up.